Oh No, It's Cupid
by Frigg Jin Appleby
Summary: Chaos. Chaos in the form of acorns.


**PΛЯƬ ӨПΣ**

They called themselves PureClan. Pure of heart, pure of mind; the most pure, however, find themselves tempted at times, be it by their own will, or by someone elses. Someone, perhaps, with more frivolous 's more fun than making those who _can't _love, fall _in _love?

He was the self-proclaimed matchmaker for those who...struggled a little when it came to something as easy as love. He saw it as natural; they saw it as a sickly-sweet rot, a fermentation of feelings that led to weak hearts. To him they were unnatural. How could one just say no to love?

Yet now, they would have no choice in the matter: he'd make sure of that. He was returning, and their so-called crusade was useless.

Love wasn't something someone could just say no to; it lurked deep within, waiting for the perfect moment to return. They were afraid of that, and he would exploit it.

….

Eaglestar always hated waking up, without fail. Perhaps it was always that the dawn light seemed so cheerful; maybe he couldn't stomach the idea of running his cretin Clan for another day.

"I thought I heard you moving around." Icepetal stuck her head into his den. "Move it. We've got patrols to plan."

Eaglestar shoved his face deeper into the moss of his nest, letting out a groan that although was muffled, Icepetal clearly heard. "You're the deputy. You do something. Be bossy, you're good at that."

She frowned, creeping into the dullness of the cool den to jab a claw into her leader's flank. "Don't be lazy. It'll rub off on the apprentices."

The golden tabby pretended to laugh for a moment. "Apprentices and lazy, in the same sentence? Unheard of. You're filling these beautiful ears my lies, my dear." But he climbed to his paws all the same, carefully flicking scraps of moss from his sleek fur.

Icepetal snorted. "Filling your arrogant head with more lies?" she purred coldly and returned his bored look with a glare.

"It's swollen with them," he proclaimed dramatically; outside, a few warriors startled at his voice. Wasn't it too early for theatrics? But, then again, it was never really too early for Eaglestar's theatrics. He'd perform all day and all night if he really wanted to, which he never did. Icepetal wasn't so far from the truth, when she'd pointed out his sloth. A lazy leader? Somehow PureClan had still managed to thrive.

At that moment, a commotion disturbed them; a commotion with wild grey fur and blue eyes blown wide with shock as it stampeded into the clearing.

"What in the name of StarClan is going on now?" Icepetal grumbled, whipping round to storm from the den. "Will you keep it down!? It's early enough as it is."

The little warrior collapsed on the grass in the middle of the wide clearing. She was blubbering something about acorns, quite clearly in distress, although none of the gathered cats could distinguish why. One of the nuts she was babbling about sat a little ways off, reflecting the early morning rays off its smooth sides. Eaglestar stared at it, curiously, but the brown acorn seemed entirely unsuspicious.

"It's not going to jump off the ground and eat you," Icepetal sneered at her pair.

"Then why's she wailing at it?" Eaglestar snapped, jerking his head towards the she-cat in question- Featherfall. Her name seemed suitably apt, at present.

Icepetal lashed her brown tail. "Maybe she's terrified of acorns?"

The leader snorted. "A brave PureClan warrior, overcome by...that." He flicked the offending acorn away, and it bounced into the line of trees. Without his usual grandiose air, he approached Featherfall, shoving a few unfortunate apprentices out of his way.

"What in StarClan's fancy name is the matter with you?" he asked.

Spitting at the apprentices as she passed, Icepetal trotted over to the whimpering warrior, leant down, and yanked the she-cat's tail. "Will one of you useless lumps go get Mintfrost?" she snapped at the watching cats. Jumping at her words, a lithe tabby tom slunk towards the medicine dens. The grass tunnels at the side of camp were conspicuous with their medley of bitter-sweet scents; he disappeared into them without a word.

He returned moments later with the medicine cat on his heels, her plumy tail swishing as she walked and a slight smile curving her muzzle. Mintfrost liked being needed. It gave her a little thrill whenever her presence was demanded. Maybe it stemmed from a kithood trauma- as the third in a litter, she'd never had a use, until she'd stepped into the role of medicine cat.

She peered down at Featherfall with a look of slight confusion. There was no blood. Why was the gray she-cat blubbering?

"Err..what happened?" the pale grey tabby asked, slightly confused.

"Does it look like we know?" Eaglestar retorted.

"Where's Redfoot?" Featherfall gasped. It was her first coherent sentence.

Icepetal arched a brow, "what's so important about that fool?"

"I love him!" the young cat declared, struggling to her feet. "I have to tell him!"

In a flurry of paws the deputy bowled the fumbling warrior off her paws and pinned her back against the ground. A growl rumbled in her throat. "Would you like to say that again? I think I might have misheard you."

She was saved the trouble of repeating her words with a reddish-brown tom stumbled into camp. His mouth widened comically at the sight of Featherfall, squirming beneath the deputy's weight. "My love!" he announced. "Oh, your fur is like a cloud!" He made his way over to Featherfall and grinned down at her. "An angry cloud." At his words, Featherfall let out a squeak of delight, and Icepetal, despite her weight, was forgotten.

Eaglestar spluttered at the sight of the two warriors practically falling over their own paws to reach each other. He was beyond confused. It was far too early in the morning for this sort of stuff. He felt treason was best resolved in the early afternoon, after a light snack.

"Separate them," he ordered. "We'll deal with it later. Where's the rest of their patrol?"

"With pleasure," Icepetal grinned, sinking her teeth into Featherfall's scruff and hauling the warrior away. "Stormfur, take care of Redfoot, would you?"

The burly white warrior grunted at her words and shouldered the lovelorn tom away from the sudden object of his desires. He was corralled into the the apprentice den. Even from there his devastated cries could be heard all throughout the camp, along with more feeble attempts at poetic flattery.

Groaning, Eaglestar flattened his ears against his skull. "Well this morning has gotten off to a _fine _start. Come with me, pairy-dear, we need to find out where these idiots left the rest of their patrol. And plan an execution."

Excitement lit up Icepetal's face. "Can I do the executing?" She almost resembled an apprentice, excited at the prospect of exploring the territory.

The golden tom began to lead the way from the clearing, rolling his eyes, resigned. "Only if you clean up the mess."

"I'll get some of the apprentices to do it," she huffed, flicking his shoulder with her tail. He leaned gently away from her touch as they walked, flicking an eye over the impatience on her face. She did look so young, when she seemed so happy. He didn't dare to think it suited her; that would mean ten deaths a day, just to maintain her joy.

Raising her head she inhaled deeply, sifting through the forest scents after the particular smell she was after. She paused, scrunching up her face as if deep in thought. "Who were the other cats on the patrol?"

"You set it last night," he reminded her sharply. He relented after a moment, and told her, "Mothclaw and Addertooth. StarClan knows the pair of them couldn't get along if their lives depended on it. You do always like stirring up conflict."

She smiled. "Where's the fun in sending close friends on patrols? All they'll do is just chat. Besides, we can't have too much hatred between warriors. Hardly makes the Clan strong to have divided loyalty within."

"I don't know why you do anything," Eaglestar declared. "You're an enigma. Now track those toms down before they tear out each other's throats."

"Ah yes, but I'm your enigma," she murmured, as she fluttered her eyelashes mockingly, then brushed past her pair, once again raising her muzzle to breathe in the early morning air. A faint scent of the two toms caught her nose. "That way."

"Lead on," he instructed, dipping his head in an exaggerated bow.

The scent trail lead them away from the camp and into the forest. It snaked alongside the river, swooping back into the forest in random places. Icepetal found the trail to be particularly odd, but she was once again struggling to remember if the patrol had been a hunting one or a border one. It had been a long morning.

"Lost?" her pair teased, as they doubled back once more.

She shot him a scathing look. "Would you like to have a go?" she spat.

"Fine," he said snarkily, pricking his ears and opening his mouth to draw in the scents of his territory. "Actually, I can hear them, so there."

Much to Icepetal's annoyance she found that, after swivelling her ears, she too could hear them. "Do you ever have to do _any _work?"

"I walked all the way here," Eaglestar pointed out in a delicate tone, as they neared the bright, sunny field they called the meadow. Even with the sun slung so low on the horizon, the meadow was filled with an airy, alluring light.

"You must be a great leader," she curled her lip.

"No labour is too great for my Clan," he agreed, before stopping abruptly. His mouth hung open, and he backed into his deputy, wide-eyed in horror.

She grunted as he collided with her, "Shut your mouth, you look like a fish." Stepping around him she peered into the meadow. "Oh. Well. That could do it." They'd certainly found the two toms, but Icepetal no longer wanted to be anywhere near them.

"Ugh, ugh, ugh!" Eaglestar cried, shuffling backwards. "Make them stop!"

Icepetal couldn't help but peer a little closer. Anything that made her pair cringe was interesting to her. And slightly disgusting.

The two toms were more-or-less on top of each other, muzzle to muzzle, tails wrapped tightly together. She could hear their loud purrs from the treeline- but only just, beneath her pair's fervent mumbled protests.

"Are you sure you don't want another look?" she asked her pair, smothering her grin.

"You can kill them later," he moaned, "but I'll be going now."

Icepetal pouted. "Aw, I'll miss your arrogance a little."

Eaglestar snared her tail between his teeth and tugged her away. "Come 'uff me," he said, happy to abandon the scene.

"If you insist, dear," she allowed herself to be pulled away. There was no way in StarClan she'd want to hang around the meadow any longer. Nightmares were bound to be had.

"The standards of warriors, today," Eaglestar grumbled, narrowly avoiding a collision with a small tree.

Icepetal laughed. "I don't think I've ever seen you this mortified before."

"Love is nothing to be afraid of," a stranger's voice called in consternation. The duo looked up; perched above them on a slender branch was the oddest cat either of them had ever seen. His pelt was a dirty pale yellow. His eyes were a perturbing shade of bright green-blue. Stuck to the fur of his stomach was an array of acorns, nestled so tightly against the fluff of his belly it was not even visible.

"Well, aren't you a peculiar looking cat," Eaglestar responded. "And yes, love should not be feared. It should be crushed."

"Don't pay any attention to those two in the meadow. They aren't exactly adhering to the code right now," Icepetal added.

"Afraid that's my fault," the eccentricity purred. "Can't undo it." For a cat stuck very high up a tree, he looked very smug. The leader and deputy shared a confused glance. Just what was the strange cat puttering on about?

"Featherfall and Redfoot too?" Eaglestar asked slowly.

The yellow tomcat grinned. "Yep! Also my fault."

'How?" Icepetal demanded.

"Ah, now that's a question I always love answering," he sighed dreamily. "Would you believe me if I said acorns?"

Eaglestar slid a sideways glance at the she-cat to his left. "Can you climb?"

She returned his glance with an offended one of her own. "Do you take me for a weak kit?" She feigned hurt, which prompted an exasperated snort from Eaglestar

"Well then, go get him," he commanded airily. "Get the Tainted nutter before he spreads any more of the damned poison."

"Why don't you go get him?" she snapped, moving towards the tree despite her words. A strong leap brought her to the safety of a low branch. "Why are all the weirdos attracted to this Clan?"

"You're already there. And I'm sorry, I just happen to be a very attractive cat," he muttered, a little sullen, sulking at her implications of his laziness. Yellow eyes trained on Icepetal, he lost interest in the odd Tainted. He missed the movements that some might count as suspicious.

She rolled her eyes, ignoring her pair in favour of hauling herself higher into the tree. A few leaves dislodged themselves as she scrambled to keep her grip. Oh, how she hated climbing trees. "Do me a favour," she called up to the odd tom. "Fall from the tree and break your neck."

He wasn't listening to her demands; he was drawing an acorn away from his collection, drawing a pale claw over its sleek brown shell. With practiced, perfected aim, he gripped it awkwardly in his paw, and threw.

Eaglestar jerked back when the acorn struck the top of his head. Scowling he rubbed the throbbing spot with a paw. "Who throws acorns at the leader of a Clan?" he muttered, more to himself than the others. "Respect, please."

The moments following became hazy. One heartbeat slurred into the next. Vaguely he thought he heard Icepetal spitting at him from the branches of the tree, but he couldn't be sure. Maybe it was just the blood threading through his ears.

Icepetal's loud threat reached him through the leaves that crowned her muzzle."If you fall flat on your face I'm leaving you there!"

Too woozy to protest, he did exactly what she'd asked him not to.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is not Swyfte's usual stuff. Blame her wifey. This was a collaboration between us, we've been meaning to write it for a few days. Who doesn't need fluff from PureClan? Everyone needs fluff from PureClan, you're lying if you don't.**

**This will be a three-shot. Maybe the next chapter will be up soon. Maybe. **


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